It's Been A While...

I can't believe it's been more than a year since I last posted an entry up on this blog. It seems like so much has happened, yet, at the same time, so much is still the same.

Since, I last posted, I started and finished my freshman year at Biola. I've met so many amazing people there, and, no doubt, will continue to meet more. I remember the first night at Biola, when I was lying in bed, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. I thought to myself, "This must be a little taste of what heaven is like." The community at Biola is just so filled with the love of Christ. No matter how I try to explain it, I won't be doing it justice.

God taught me so many things my first year in college. The single thing that sticks out the most to me is DEPENDENCE. Not depending on myself, but depending on God...for everything. Freshman year was definitely academically challenging. I've never studied so much in my life before. It was then that I realized the limits of my own strength. I can't do well in school, not to mention balance friends and family on top of school, without God's help. In addition, I learned how much I need sleep to function. In light of this seemingly trivial fact, God's glory and splendor shines - He needs no sleep; He never tires. He is the one strengthening each and everyone of us. That never ceases to amaze me.

Another thing that has become a big part of my life since Biola is SAY YES, the afterschool program I volunteer at, and the community that makes up Skid Row. I can't even begin to tell about these beautiful people... When I see them, I'm reminded again of how dependent upon God I am. This is a little of what I wrote about my experience in one of my pull questions for Torrey:

"Every Tuesday, I walk through the streets of Skid Row on my way to the SAY YES building. The sight of trash, the pungent smell of urine, and all the people can be overwhelming. But never have the Gospels been more real to me than my weekly experience in Skid Row. For middle and upper-class Americans, our consumerism lifestyle brings comfort and complacency; along with these things, we forget how fragile and dependent upon God we truly are. God slowly fades to the background. Around the time I started realizing the heart-breaking beauty of Skid Row, I also grew and deepened in my understanding of God’s love through reading the Gospels and discussing them in session. I saw how I was no different from the people on Skid Row in many ways. Like all people, I am dependent upon the grace of God."

God has been so faithful in reminding me of who He is and what He has done.


Currently...
...This past semester of my sophomore year has been more difficult. God has felt more distant. I wish I could say differently. Part of this, or maybe all of this, is my own fault. I know I haven't been spending enough time with Him. (What does "enough" even mean when it comes to God? Whatever it is, it certainly isn't what I'm doing.) Though I have not been obedient, God, in His grace, has still sustained me through this hectic semester. I am forever grateful for that.

Right now, as I try to sort through what I'm feeling, things are still a bit unclear. God does not always feel distant. But right now, it doesn't feel like how it used to. I know God is here, but...

...I guess I'm just struggling with why I keep choosing other things over Him. Right now, I could be spending time in prayer talking to Him, but I'm not. I was reading a poem my friend, Caitlin wrote, and it really resonated with me. She writes, "There was a soft breeze in the air today that asked to consume me, but pulling my jacket tighter around my waist, I said, politely, no."

"If I am as desperate as I feel tonight, then why do I turn my back to this invitation?"

"And if I know that what I am doing in my rebellion is stumping my capacity to grow in a straight and narrow way; that my rejection is allowing a foothold to the devil, then why is my heart so apathetic? Why am I so stagnant in my being? So lethargic in this race?"

As I'm writing this entry, God feels distant. But it's ironic that I stumbled upon Caitlin's poem today. Before today, I didn't even know Caitlin wrote poetry. Perhaps God is trying to tell me, through Caitlin's poem, that He knows where my heart is, better than I know where it is. That He knows what I'm feeling better than I know. That all of this isn't hidden to myself. And, in a strange way, there is freedom and comfort in knowing that He truly knows me.

Once again, I'm reminded of who God is...and His faithfulness, even when I stumble and fail.




Lord, continue to call me toward You.