Yikes.
And that pretty much sums up what most of my winter break has been like. With no school or work, I've found myself with a lot of free time on my hands. I wish I was more like some of my friends, who actually use all this extra time making cards, knitting scarves, writing poems, and composing songs - things I consider to be highly productive. As for me, I actually do start out with making a list of things to do, but the list only ever goes so far as to have two or three things checked off. What do I do the rest of the time? I'm not quite sure.
But, this I do know. I've been doing a heck of a lot more introspective thinking. Without a people-filled environment, and having my family at work for most of the day, I have a lot of down time...or, what you can call, alone time. Some people enjoy alone time, but I think too much alone time will be the death of me. There's no one to distract me from my own thoughts! And with that, there's no one, and no impending assignment that is due, to distract me from thoughts on my own life.
It becomes all too easy to start thinking about all my fears, failures, and insecurities. And who wants to deal with those? Can you say overrated? Okay, well, maybe not. But still, not my type of fun.
In spending some good, honest time with myself, I always come to realize that I am a bigger mess than I usually let myself believe. In the midst of this mess, however, it is comforting to know that God sees all of it and still accepts me. He is my way out of thinking too many introspective thoughts in such a way that is unhealthy. Focusing on who He is and what He has done refreshes my soul. All of sudden, my problems...seem so small, and His power so great. The Lord is sufficient for me, no matter what mess I find myself in. His grace is greater than all of my troubles.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, December 25, 2009
It's Been A While...
I can't believe it's been more than a year since I last posted an entry up on this blog. It seems like so much has happened, yet, at the same time, so much is still the same.
Since, I last posted, I started and finished my freshman year at Biola. I've met so many amazing people there, and, no doubt, will continue to meet more. I remember the first night at Biola, when I was lying in bed, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. I thought to myself, "This must be a little taste of what heaven is like." The community at Biola is just so filled with the love of Christ. No matter how I try to explain it, I won't be doing it justice.
God taught me so many things my first year in college. The single thing that sticks out the most to me is DEPENDENCE. Not depending on myself, but depending on God...for everything. Freshman year was definitely academically challenging. I've never studied so much in my life before. It was then that I realized the limits of my own strength. I can't do well in school, not to mention balance friends and family on top of school, without God's help. In addition, I learned how much I need sleep to function. In light of this seemingly trivial fact, God's glory and splendor shines - He needs no sleep; He never tires. He is the one strengthening each and everyone of us. That never ceases to amaze me.
Another thing that has become a big part of my life since Biola is SAY YES, the afterschool program I volunteer at, and the community that makes up Skid Row. I can't even begin to tell about these beautiful people... When I see them, I'm reminded again of how dependent upon God I am. This is a little of what I wrote about my experience in one of my pull questions for Torrey:
"Every Tuesday, I walk through the streets of Skid Row on my way to the SAY YES building. The sight of trash, the pungent smell of urine, and all the people can be overwhelming. But never have the Gospels been more real to me than my weekly experience in Skid Row. For middle and upper-class Americans, our consumerism lifestyle brings comfort and complacency; along with these things, we forget how fragile and dependent upon God we truly are. God slowly fades to the background. Around the time I started realizing the heart-breaking beauty of Skid Row, I also grew and deepened in my understanding of God’s love through reading the Gospels and discussing them in session. I saw how I was no different from the people on Skid Row in many ways. Like all people, I am dependent upon the grace of God."
God has been so faithful in reminding me of who He is and what He has done.
Currently...
...This past semester of my sophomore year has been more difficult. God has felt more distant. I wish I could say differently. Part of this, or maybe all of this, is my own fault. I know I haven't been spending enough time with Him. (What does "enough" even mean when it comes to God? Whatever it is, it certainly isn't what I'm doing.) Though I have not been obedient, God, in His grace, has still sustained me through this hectic semester. I am forever grateful for that.
Right now, as I try to sort through what I'm feeling, things are still a bit unclear. God does not always feel distant. But right now, it doesn't feel like how it used to. I know God is here, but...
...I guess I'm just struggling with why I keep choosing other things over Him. Right now, I could be spending time in prayer talking to Him, but I'm not. I was reading a poem my friend, Caitlin wrote, and it really resonated with me. She writes, "There was a soft breeze in the air today that asked to consume me, but pulling my jacket tighter around my waist, I said, politely, no."
"If I am as desperate as I feel tonight, then why do I turn my back to this invitation?"
"And if I know that what I am doing in my rebellion is stumping my capacity to grow in a straight and narrow way; that my rejection is allowing a foothold to the devil, then why is my heart so apathetic? Why am I so stagnant in my being? So lethargic in this race?"
As I'm writing this entry, God feels distant. But it's ironic that I stumbled upon Caitlin's poem today. Before today, I didn't even know Caitlin wrote poetry. Perhaps God is trying to tell me, through Caitlin's poem, that He knows where my heart is, better than I know where it is. That He knows what I'm feeling better than I know. That all of this isn't hidden to myself. And, in a strange way, there is freedom and comfort in knowing that He truly knows me.
Once again, I'm reminded of who God is...and His faithfulness, even when I stumble and fail.
Lord, continue to call me toward You.
Since, I last posted, I started and finished my freshman year at Biola. I've met so many amazing people there, and, no doubt, will continue to meet more. I remember the first night at Biola, when I was lying in bed, I was so excited I couldn't sleep. I thought to myself, "This must be a little taste of what heaven is like." The community at Biola is just so filled with the love of Christ. No matter how I try to explain it, I won't be doing it justice.
God taught me so many things my first year in college. The single thing that sticks out the most to me is DEPENDENCE. Not depending on myself, but depending on God...for everything. Freshman year was definitely academically challenging. I've never studied so much in my life before. It was then that I realized the limits of my own strength. I can't do well in school, not to mention balance friends and family on top of school, without God's help. In addition, I learned how much I need sleep to function. In light of this seemingly trivial fact, God's glory and splendor shines - He needs no sleep; He never tires. He is the one strengthening each and everyone of us. That never ceases to amaze me.
Another thing that has become a big part of my life since Biola is SAY YES, the afterschool program I volunteer at, and the community that makes up Skid Row. I can't even begin to tell about these beautiful people... When I see them, I'm reminded again of how dependent upon God I am. This is a little of what I wrote about my experience in one of my pull questions for Torrey:
"Every Tuesday, I walk through the streets of Skid Row on my way to the SAY YES building. The sight of trash, the pungent smell of urine, and all the people can be overwhelming. But never have the Gospels been more real to me than my weekly experience in Skid Row. For middle and upper-class Americans, our consumerism lifestyle brings comfort and complacency; along with these things, we forget how fragile and dependent upon God we truly are. God slowly fades to the background. Around the time I started realizing the heart-breaking beauty of Skid Row, I also grew and deepened in my understanding of God’s love through reading the Gospels and discussing them in session. I saw how I was no different from the people on Skid Row in many ways. Like all people, I am dependent upon the grace of God."
God has been so faithful in reminding me of who He is and what He has done.
Currently...
...This past semester of my sophomore year has been more difficult. God has felt more distant. I wish I could say differently. Part of this, or maybe all of this, is my own fault. I know I haven't been spending enough time with Him. (What does "enough" even mean when it comes to God? Whatever it is, it certainly isn't what I'm doing.) Though I have not been obedient, God, in His grace, has still sustained me through this hectic semester. I am forever grateful for that.
Right now, as I try to sort through what I'm feeling, things are still a bit unclear. God does not always feel distant. But right now, it doesn't feel like how it used to. I know God is here, but...
...I guess I'm just struggling with why I keep choosing other things over Him. Right now, I could be spending time in prayer talking to Him, but I'm not. I was reading a poem my friend, Caitlin wrote, and it really resonated with me. She writes, "There was a soft breeze in the air today that asked to consume me, but pulling my jacket tighter around my waist, I said, politely, no."
"If I am as desperate as I feel tonight, then why do I turn my back to this invitation?"
"And if I know that what I am doing in my rebellion is stumping my capacity to grow in a straight and narrow way; that my rejection is allowing a foothold to the devil, then why is my heart so apathetic? Why am I so stagnant in my being? So lethargic in this race?"
As I'm writing this entry, God feels distant. But it's ironic that I stumbled upon Caitlin's poem today. Before today, I didn't even know Caitlin wrote poetry. Perhaps God is trying to tell me, through Caitlin's poem, that He knows where my heart is, better than I know where it is. That He knows what I'm feeling better than I know. That all of this isn't hidden to myself. And, in a strange way, there is freedom and comfort in knowing that He truly knows me.
Once again, I'm reminded of who God is...and His faithfulness, even when I stumble and fail.
Lord, continue to call me toward You.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Ocean Floor
I am still incompetent and have not yet been able to figure out how to edit a post.
So here's the video that was supposed to be in the entry below. It's called Ocean Floor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_i2xsRiXDU
So here's the video that was supposed to be in the entry below. It's called Ocean Floor:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_i2xsRiXDU
Friday, August 8, 2008
Quizno's, Inscriptions, and more!
Yesterday was my last day working at the used bookstore (behind the Shell gas station). I'm definitely going to miss working with Myrna - the cutest and sweetest old lady that I've ever met. Haha, she even brought Quizno's sandwiches so we could celebrate my last day. I won't ever forget that. :)
This might seem like a random thought, but after watching the movie, Definitely Maybe, I appreciate working in a used bookstore even more. It's really neat to see all the things that end up there. Myrna and I once looked through a bag of donated books and we found someone's yearbook from some high school in the midwest that was dated all the way back to the 1950s. Everyone's picture looked like an old-fashioned glamour shot. And you couldn't tell the nerdy kids from the popular kids because everyone looked so well groomed.
In addition to old yearbooks, there are many other interesting finds...like old vinyl records, and super-old books that used to cost a dollar or less. My favorite part, however, about working in the used bookstore (aside from being able to hang out with Myrna and listen to her talk about her dogs), is that you get to read the little inscriptions inside the books. There aren't many, so when you do find one, it's like finding gold.
Yesterday was my last day, and I guess it must've been my lucky day because I found a book that I was looking for AND it had a nice little inscription in it. The book that I bought was Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home by Richard J. Foster. I got it for two bucks, which was a steal! (On Amazon.com, a new book is around 16 bucks, while the used ones are at least 6.) When I opened the book to the first blank, a bit yellow-ish page, it read:
"November 1996
Dear Jenny,
After much thought, this is the best resource on prayer that I can think of. I haven't read it myself yet, but I have read other works by Foster. He is a master. I hope that this is helpful for you in your pursuit of God. He loves (underlined) you so much and is forever beckoning you to Himself. I love you too!
Laura"
Reading that made my day. It's funny how one person's kindness, love, and thoughtfulness can affect someone else - even a complete stranger like me. It's small things like this that make you think differently of the world, even for a second, that maybe it is not so bad after all. Maybe there are hidden messages and inscriptions everywhere. On jagged rocks, on weeping willows, in the stars... They're invisible to the eye, but nonetheless, they are there. I'd like to think that. And I'm sure in some supernatural way, it is true.
This might seem like a random thought, but after watching the movie, Definitely Maybe, I appreciate working in a used bookstore even more. It's really neat to see all the things that end up there. Myrna and I once looked through a bag of donated books and we found someone's yearbook from some high school in the midwest that was dated all the way back to the 1950s. Everyone's picture looked like an old-fashioned glamour shot. And you couldn't tell the nerdy kids from the popular kids because everyone looked so well groomed.
In addition to old yearbooks, there are many other interesting finds...like old vinyl records, and super-old books that used to cost a dollar or less. My favorite part, however, about working in the used bookstore (aside from being able to hang out with Myrna and listen to her talk about her dogs), is that you get to read the little inscriptions inside the books. There aren't many, so when you do find one, it's like finding gold.
Yesterday was my last day, and I guess it must've been my lucky day because I found a book that I was looking for AND it had a nice little inscription in it. The book that I bought was Prayer: Finding the Heart's True Home by Richard J. Foster. I got it for two bucks, which was a steal! (On Amazon.com, a new book is around 16 bucks, while the used ones are at least 6.) When I opened the book to the first blank, a bit yellow-ish page, it read:
"November 1996
Dear Jenny,
After much thought, this is the best resource on prayer that I can think of. I haven't read it myself yet, but I have read other works by Foster. He is a master. I hope that this is helpful for you in your pursuit of God. He loves (underlined) you so much and is forever beckoning you to Himself. I love you too!
Laura"
Reading that made my day. It's funny how one person's kindness, love, and thoughtfulness can affect someone else - even a complete stranger like me. It's small things like this that make you think differently of the world, even for a second, that maybe it is not so bad after all. Maybe there are hidden messages and inscriptions everywhere. On jagged rocks, on weeping willows, in the stars... They're invisible to the eye, but nonetheless, they are there. I'd like to think that. And I'm sure in some supernatural way, it is true.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Grace (with love) In Action!
I just read Jenny Simmon's new post on her blog and I'm giddy with excitement. To read, click here: http://jennysimmons.blogspot.com/
In it, she writes about helping a family in her area. How amazingly awesome is that? By the way, this kind of grace is different from the "loveless grace" that I posted about below. Jenny's example of grace (with love) shows just what a difference people can make in the lives of others. There's no selfish reason behind it, no making a Showtime movie, no wanting to get her curiosity satisfied with a "social experiment." There's none of that. There's just genuine love and a want to help those in need.
After reading The Dangerous Act of Worship by Mark Labberton and watching Ted Rodrigue on Oprah, I've had this unexplainable desire to help those in need. I would stay up late at night, and my heart would be pounding with excitment just thinking about how awesome it would be to help someone. But that would be followed by a feeling of disappointment because I didn't know where I could find people to help. I know that sounds stupid because there are people everywhere that need help. I think we all know this by default. But how often do we actually see or hear about someone who is currently struggling?
I'm totally ready, God. I really do want to help, so use me.
That's what I've been praying for quite a while now, and God answered my prayers today. Even though sending a Walmart giftcard is quite different from meeting a person face-to-face, it's a step in the right direction. At least, that's how it feels to me. I trust that God will continue to show me how to help others in "bigger" ways. That's not to say that every small act of kindness does not count. Of course it does! :)
I whole-heartedly support and give major kudos to all those who are running organizations, like WorldVision and Mocha Club (I really like Mocha Club. It's only seven bucks a month!), to help those in need. But I think, let's call it, "Jenny's Mission," is awesome in it's own special way. Since it's not a big organization thing, there's no money that's being spent on advertisement. All the money or rather, giftcards, are spent buying things that the families need. (Jenny is the one who is going to be using those gift cards to buy the things that the family needs, just in case you were wondering if someone would con her and take the giftcard to by things that they don't really need.)
Anyway, I think what she is doing is really awesome, so I just wanted to spread the news about it. If you have a desire in your heart to help, don't hesitate. If you want to know more about what Jenny is doing, just click or copy and paste the link that I've posted above. Happy helping.
Yay, I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!!!
In it, she writes about helping a family in her area. How amazingly awesome is that? By the way, this kind of grace is different from the "loveless grace" that I posted about below. Jenny's example of grace (with love) shows just what a difference people can make in the lives of others. There's no selfish reason behind it, no making a Showtime movie, no wanting to get her curiosity satisfied with a "social experiment." There's none of that. There's just genuine love and a want to help those in need.
After reading The Dangerous Act of Worship by Mark Labberton and watching Ted Rodrigue on Oprah, I've had this unexplainable desire to help those in need. I would stay up late at night, and my heart would be pounding with excitment just thinking about how awesome it would be to help someone. But that would be followed by a feeling of disappointment because I didn't know where I could find people to help. I know that sounds stupid because there are people everywhere that need help. I think we all know this by default. But how often do we actually see or hear about someone who is currently struggling?
I'm totally ready, God. I really do want to help, so use me.
That's what I've been praying for quite a while now, and God answered my prayers today. Even though sending a Walmart giftcard is quite different from meeting a person face-to-face, it's a step in the right direction. At least, that's how it feels to me. I trust that God will continue to show me how to help others in "bigger" ways. That's not to say that every small act of kindness does not count. Of course it does! :)
I whole-heartedly support and give major kudos to all those who are running organizations, like WorldVision and Mocha Club (I really like Mocha Club. It's only seven bucks a month!), to help those in need. But I think, let's call it, "Jenny's Mission," is awesome in it's own special way. Since it's not a big organization thing, there's no money that's being spent on advertisement. All the money or rather, giftcards, are spent buying things that the families need. (Jenny is the one who is going to be using those gift cards to buy the things that the family needs, just in case you were wondering if someone would con her and take the giftcard to by things that they don't really need.)
Anyway, I think what she is doing is really awesome, so I just wanted to spread the news about it. If you have a desire in your heart to help, don't hesitate. If you want to know more about what Jenny is doing, just click or copy and paste the link that I've posted above. Happy helping.
Yay, I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Yet Again...
I guess that link isn't showing up, so I'll just type it...and whoever wants to can copy and paste it into their browser. :)
http://hungryandthirsty.blogspot.com/2007/04/loveless-grace.html
http://hungryandthirsty.blogspot.com/2007/04/loveless-grace.html
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